Two things: there's nothing lonelier than living in a household with kids and a husband but feeling along. I was intrigued by and keened toward the idea that there is nothing wrong with being lonely but that it's a "specific evolved response." The other is that when the internet/social media became so big, so widespread, it was a godsend to those of us in the disability community -- the the caregivers of the disabled, as well. The connections forged were profound. Sometimes, these analyses of the internet, of social media, are weirdly ableist. I was the co-host of a podcast for a while that interviewed and shared conversation with caregivers of children and young adults with disabilities -- some were quite well-known and others lived extraordinary, ordinary lives. One common thread for nearly every single parent was the power of the internet and social media and its positive influence in their lives, connecting to others. As a young mother in 1995, when my own daughter was diagnosed, I had no one -- I was effectively isolated from anyone who shared my experience. It's astonishing to me how support for families grew so organically on social media -- and it's rarely discussed which, ironically, makes us feel lonely. Such a great post, Antonia. Thank you.
So, so true. Being a new parent on its own can be very isolating, even without any other challenges. When I first had a new baby, communicating with friends I cared about on Facebook was a lifeline, as much as I grew to loathe the platform over time. It really mattered to me, and it still does to many people -- there are communities in northern Canada for whom Facebook is almost their only means of emergency communication.
My mother-in-law was born with a disability and hasn't been able to leave the house without a wheelchair for a few years now. Having the internet and all the affordances and connections it offers is absolutely vital. I don't know how things would be without that, but I am certain they would be far, far lonelier. Which is part of what I wrote about in my book: too often we're sold this binary choice of all one or the other--disconnected communities with hyper-connected digital technology, or connected communities full of technology-starved Luddites. It doesn't have to be that way!
Also: "It's rarely discussed which, ironically, makes us feel lonely" is so true for so many 💛
Another powerful column, it has taken me some time to absorb it, and reflect on my own situation - thank you! And did not know about Forward Montana, that's cooL! Have a great weekend.
I've been thinking a lot about it, been wanting to write this one for a few weeks! There's so much more about the research, and what other countries are doing to try to deal with it -- Canada and the UK have been very forward-thinking about approaching loneliness as a health epidemic.
This is hitting me so hard that I can only read 2 paragraphs at a time and then I need to take a break. I am so lonely. My husband never stopped working out of the home and the kids have been back at school since January. I am working from home and I have a text group of coworkers that gives me life. And I am still lonely. And planning social interaction feels like so much work.
I am so, so sorry. I think once the loneliness starts to take hold it can make things difficult in the way that depression does. And there are so many strategies for depression and anxiety, but I don't know ones for loneliness that fulfill that need for connection, except connection itself. The thing that really bugs me is that even after years and years of research it's still treated as a mild psychological state, when in fact it's a deeply embedded part of our evolutionary biology. When we're feeling lonely, it's for a good reason.
I do have a close friend whom I kept in regular phone contact with over the last year who is seriously extroverted. She's a single mom so it's been extra hard. The phone calls help somewhat, she's said. We just talk.
But mostly -- it is not you. There is nothing wrong with someone who is deeply lonely, and that is where many people are right now. This is not a normal situation. We're not meant to be disconnected like this. Feeling lonely in this situation does not mean there's something wrong with a person. It means there's something right.
I love every bit of this. And yet, as a person often reciting the mantra of "You're not alone" to others, does it really help? I know others feel the way I do. It doesn't help. Most people don't have time to be any kind of community, online/social media doesn't really work for me, and I usually just kind of shrug and mutter, "Sucks to be us."
Yeah, I know what you mean. Hearing that I'm not alone doesn't usually help me either. But somehow *feeling* it inhabits me differently. When I go for a walk with a friend here and realize how isolated they've been feeling, it makes me realize how many of us are walking around in our lives thinking we're alone, but that we can at least connect with one another and that can help, even if only for a day. Or connecting with something totally different, like one day last summer when we had distanced drinks in the yard with a friend and a relative, and somehow got onto telling stories that resulted in side-aching laughter, and all of us realizing it had been a long time since we laughed. Or sometimes just having someone else say it sucks to be us. Hearing that I'm not alone doesn't generally work, but feeling that connection alleviates . . . something.
Every piece of this was powerful (and shout out to Forward Montana!). The vignette from your college graduation party stuck with me the most (and this line in particular): "Leaving a crowd or a gathering of people whose company I enjoyed, telling myself nobody would miss me, was probably a subconscious pre-emptive defensive maneuver against feeling rejected and left out."
In a world where disconnection is the norm, steps towards connection and community (even safe communities) feel risky... they feel like rejection is possible. What if we were so used to being able to lean on community that we didn't have to voluntarily opt-out of it b/c of fear of rejection?
Oof, Garrett, that last line there is subtle but absolutely nails it. Like turning over a rock and realizing how much might be going on underneath. Thank you! (And definitely 💗 Forward Montana—they get me through the week sometimes!)
This is a lovely analysis of a pressing problem. There’s power in learning you’re not the only person feeling alone. That power isn’t quite togetherness or community, but it can be sanity and a saving grace. I needed this! Though the pandemic is wrapping up, I’m feeling more lonely day by day. We’re not back to normal and I deeply resent technology. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you! At the risk of repeating myself ... you're not alone 💕
I like that distinction, BTW. You're right, it's not quite togetherness or community, but something else. I guess that makes sense, since the loneliness feeling is actually a specific evolved response.
Two things: there's nothing lonelier than living in a household with kids and a husband but feeling along. I was intrigued by and keened toward the idea that there is nothing wrong with being lonely but that it's a "specific evolved response." The other is that when the internet/social media became so big, so widespread, it was a godsend to those of us in the disability community -- the the caregivers of the disabled, as well. The connections forged were profound. Sometimes, these analyses of the internet, of social media, are weirdly ableist. I was the co-host of a podcast for a while that interviewed and shared conversation with caregivers of children and young adults with disabilities -- some were quite well-known and others lived extraordinary, ordinary lives. One common thread for nearly every single parent was the power of the internet and social media and its positive influence in their lives, connecting to others. As a young mother in 1995, when my own daughter was diagnosed, I had no one -- I was effectively isolated from anyone who shared my experience. It's astonishing to me how support for families grew so organically on social media -- and it's rarely discussed which, ironically, makes us feel lonely. Such a great post, Antonia. Thank you.
So, so true. Being a new parent on its own can be very isolating, even without any other challenges. When I first had a new baby, communicating with friends I cared about on Facebook was a lifeline, as much as I grew to loathe the platform over time. It really mattered to me, and it still does to many people -- there are communities in northern Canada for whom Facebook is almost their only means of emergency communication.
My mother-in-law was born with a disability and hasn't been able to leave the house without a wheelchair for a few years now. Having the internet and all the affordances and connections it offers is absolutely vital. I don't know how things would be without that, but I am certain they would be far, far lonelier. Which is part of what I wrote about in my book: too often we're sold this binary choice of all one or the other--disconnected communities with hyper-connected digital technology, or connected communities full of technology-starved Luddites. It doesn't have to be that way!
Also: "It's rarely discussed which, ironically, makes us feel lonely" is so true for so many 💛
Another powerful column, it has taken me some time to absorb it, and reflect on my own situation - thank you! And did not know about Forward Montana, that's cooL! Have a great weekend.
I've been thinking a lot about it, been wanting to write this one for a few weeks! There's so much more about the research, and what other countries are doing to try to deal with it -- Canada and the UK have been very forward-thinking about approaching loneliness as a health epidemic.
This is hitting me so hard that I can only read 2 paragraphs at a time and then I need to take a break. I am so lonely. My husband never stopped working out of the home and the kids have been back at school since January. I am working from home and I have a text group of coworkers that gives me life. And I am still lonely. And planning social interaction feels like so much work.
I am so, so sorry. I think once the loneliness starts to take hold it can make things difficult in the way that depression does. And there are so many strategies for depression and anxiety, but I don't know ones for loneliness that fulfill that need for connection, except connection itself. The thing that really bugs me is that even after years and years of research it's still treated as a mild psychological state, when in fact it's a deeply embedded part of our evolutionary biology. When we're feeling lonely, it's for a good reason.
I do have a close friend whom I kept in regular phone contact with over the last year who is seriously extroverted. She's a single mom so it's been extra hard. The phone calls help somewhat, she's said. We just talk.
But mostly -- it is not you. There is nothing wrong with someone who is deeply lonely, and that is where many people are right now. This is not a normal situation. We're not meant to be disconnected like this. Feeling lonely in this situation does not mean there's something wrong with a person. It means there's something right.
I love every bit of this. And yet, as a person often reciting the mantra of "You're not alone" to others, does it really help? I know others feel the way I do. It doesn't help. Most people don't have time to be any kind of community, online/social media doesn't really work for me, and I usually just kind of shrug and mutter, "Sucks to be us."
Yeah, I know what you mean. Hearing that I'm not alone doesn't usually help me either. But somehow *feeling* it inhabits me differently. When I go for a walk with a friend here and realize how isolated they've been feeling, it makes me realize how many of us are walking around in our lives thinking we're alone, but that we can at least connect with one another and that can help, even if only for a day. Or connecting with something totally different, like one day last summer when we had distanced drinks in the yard with a friend and a relative, and somehow got onto telling stories that resulted in side-aching laughter, and all of us realizing it had been a long time since we laughed. Or sometimes just having someone else say it sucks to be us. Hearing that I'm not alone doesn't generally work, but feeling that connection alleviates . . . something.
Every piece of this was powerful (and shout out to Forward Montana!). The vignette from your college graduation party stuck with me the most (and this line in particular): "Leaving a crowd or a gathering of people whose company I enjoyed, telling myself nobody would miss me, was probably a subconscious pre-emptive defensive maneuver against feeling rejected and left out."
In a world where disconnection is the norm, steps towards connection and community (even safe communities) feel risky... they feel like rejection is possible. What if we were so used to being able to lean on community that we didn't have to voluntarily opt-out of it b/c of fear of rejection?
Oof, Garrett, that last line there is subtle but absolutely nails it. Like turning over a rock and realizing how much might be going on underneath. Thank you! (And definitely 💗 Forward Montana—they get me through the week sometimes!)
This is a lovely analysis of a pressing problem. There’s power in learning you’re not the only person feeling alone. That power isn’t quite togetherness or community, but it can be sanity and a saving grace. I needed this! Though the pandemic is wrapping up, I’m feeling more lonely day by day. We’re not back to normal and I deeply resent technology. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you! At the risk of repeating myself ... you're not alone 💕
I like that distinction, BTW. You're right, it's not quite togetherness or community, but something else. I guess that makes sense, since the loneliness feeling is actually a specific evolved response.