As long last, I'm catching up on my reading — and grateful to have caught up to this lovely essay. Thanks, Nia. On my walks of late, my pup Odin has seen the best of me (and I've seen the best in him); and in nature we're both enjoying the low, angled light of winter. (Oh, he's also enjoying chasing -- and never catching -- squirrels.)
I had cats almost my entire life until our last one died and, as I'd been promising my kids for many years ("we're not even talking about a dog until after the last cat dies" -- our cats hated dogs), we went to the shelter to look at dogs. Came home with the sweetest, most energetic handful, and now I understand why people have such a relationship with their dogs.
She also enjoyed chasing and never catching squirrels!
I love this. I want to be the person my nieces and nephews thought I was when they were small. But truly I want to see other people in that way that makes them feel that way. What a goal that is!
Thanks for sharing the wisdom of this conversation with us. I have new friendship/relationship goals because of it - to make people feel the inverse of how middle school made you feel. So good.
I probably should have just said that. 😅 I'm not saying being miserable in middle school is universal but I'm not *not* saying it, either. It's clarifying for me to think of what the inverse would be, especially as I have kids that age so the reality of it is intensively in front of me.
I call them "greenbelt moments." Sometimes when out walking or bicycling I am feeling down or feeling a little out of sorts with the human race. I'll pass someone who, for no particular reason that I'm aware of, looks at me just long enough to catch my eye and give a brief but warm smile, and says hello. That's all they do. No invite to have a conversation, meet for lunch, or spend forever together in eternal bliss. Just a passing recognition of our shared journey through this life. Just two human beings wishing one another well.
But there is power in that moment. Great power. Some might even call if magic. As if pixie dust just sprinkled from the dark cloud I had placed above my head, the world is suddenly transformed. Those ugly scales loosen and fall from around my heart. My step lightens just a bit. I feel more hopeful. The entire day takes on a new countenance. And all from that one moment of grace, all from that one moment of connection. From someone I may never see again.
I decided a few months ago that the best course of action, at least for myself, is to strive to be the kind of person who extends that moment of grace to others--wherever and whenever I can, whether to a stranger on the greenbelt, a checker at the market, or to friends and loved ones--to be the kind of person who turns someone's day around simply by extending a little kindness, a little recognition of our common humanity, or when circumstances allow by taking a few minutes to listen, to really listen. As if to say, "I see you."
I will fail, and perhaps often. After all I still must fight my own demons, and they sometimes get the best of me. But I just don't know any other way to do this.
________________________________________________
Thank you so much for providing the great resources, Antonia. And thank you for your thoughtfulness and depth of soul. You are a gem. I am grateful to have found you.
"Greenbelt moment" -- such a lovely term for it! I know the kind of moment you're talking about. I've had that happen often, but there was one that has stuck with me: a woman and I passed each other twice in the Detroit airport a few years ago and smiled like we were old friends overjoyed to see each other. The second time we both started laughing. (I hope it was mutual and she didn't think I was just some weirdo, or at least only a harmless weirdo.) We never spoke and of course I never saw her again. But it was exactly what you're talking about here.
Striving to be that person for others is not a bad way to go through life. 🧡 And it really doesn't take much effort on our own parts, just a small internal shift in the way we walk through the world. (Though I have to admit I'm still recovering from my loss of it during Covid. It was hard to maintain when so many in my area fought wearing masks.) While also keeping this in mind and giving ourselves a bit of grace: "After all I still must fight my own demons, and they sometimes get the best of me. But I just don't know any other way to do this."
Those are very kind words of your own! I'm grateful if anything I put on here is of use to people, especially in these pressing matters of justice.
First, may I just say, “bog-standard shame” is a brilliant phrase. 😊 Thanks for raising this question. It gave me a chance to reflect on dear friends who do see the best me, one in particular who moved on to the next world but fiercely saw me as an artist at a time when that meant the world to me. And to consider whether I reflect back the best of my dear ones, and how I can do better.
Lastly, I so appreciate your “land back” resources here, in one place. A rich vein! Just had a conversation about land acknowledgments last night and had an inkling of an insight. Here goes . . . The question, what does a land acknowledgment ask of us?, can lead to a deep introspection and also, creative brainstorming in community with others. Land-back is a no-brainer but not the only action by far. If it’s not currently possible, what about seeking out Native people wherever we are? Asking them what we can do to help their movement. The answers will vary widely, I imagine. I’m curious what others here think about that.
Haha, thanks! There are so many different kinds of shame that inflict people from so many different directions. But there does seem to be a commonality to a base-level shame that haunts much of humanity.
I'm so glad you had/have a friend(s) like that. It really struck me when this guy said that, both "Wow, to have someone like that in your life" and who those people might be, and then what kind of person I am myself, to others. It had more impact than he perhaps meant it to, but it feels like passing on that gift as well, to share the thought.
I had a conversation with someone in my town about Land Back the other day, and I came away with the realization that almost no settler-colonial people know anything about sovereignty and treaty obligations and rights, and until we start to remedy that it's hard to even have a conversation. I didn't know much about it myself until a few years ago. But once you really look at treaties, it's impossible to get around Land Back and true sovereignty. Either the U.S. is a country that honors its treaties or it isn't. (I don't put much faith in any government's commitment on this point, but the more people know about it and start advocating for fulfilling treaty obligations, the better chance there is that action happens.) And that's just treaties, not even counting the genocides, thefts, and relocations happened before they were signed, which very often happened under compulsion and threats and in many cases were forged outright.
It's interesting because I feel those who really sees me and see the best and potential of me in a clear objective way are people who I am not close to at all. They are friendly acquaintance (like the ones you just described) or people from work. Perhaps because we don't have personal history neither of us are clouded by expectations of past experiences.
I was thinking about relationships and life partners as I wrote this, which would seem to be where you’d expect to find it but those are the people who also live with our irritating daily habits. With those people, we have to navigate such different selves! Whereas with people we see regularly but whom we’re not as close with on a daily basis, there’s a bit more room to explore one’s self?
You know, I reread "Cat's Cradle" last year and it all went straight out of my head again! "Slaughterhouse 5" stuck better. (I dove in after watching the Vonnegut documentary on Amazon. Haven't read him in . . . 30 years?) I like being reminded of these thoughts and ideas that seem goofy but in fact describe a lot of life, as Vonnegut did so well. And reading that essay made me think immediately of my own kids, and how often in the middle school years we say, "It'll be better in high school. You'll find your people." Your Karass.
You're right, it's a fortunate thing to find one's people, at whatever time of life, and can hope that more of the Karass become those close to us.
This is why long walks are such a balm and boon and gift to ourselves -- I keep coming back to something I've said many times, which is that walking doesn't give an answer, but it is itself an answer.
As long last, I'm catching up on my reading — and grateful to have caught up to this lovely essay. Thanks, Nia. On my walks of late, my pup Odin has seen the best of me (and I've seen the best in him); and in nature we're both enjoying the low, angled light of winter. (Oh, he's also enjoying chasing -- and never catching -- squirrels.)
I had cats almost my entire life until our last one died and, as I'd been promising my kids for many years ("we're not even talking about a dog until after the last cat dies" -- our cats hated dogs), we went to the shelter to look at dogs. Came home with the sweetest, most energetic handful, and now I understand why people have such a relationship with their dogs.
She also enjoyed chasing and never catching squirrels!
Thanks Nia . From the land of Yaqui Apache Hopi Navajo this resonates
Thank you, Harry 🧡🧡🧡
I love this. I want to be the person my nieces and nephews thought I was when they were small. But truly I want to see other people in that way that makes them feel that way. What a goal that is!
It feels like a not bad one to have! (Being people children think we are is never a bad wish, either.)
Thanks for sharing the wisdom of this conversation with us. I have new friendship/relationship goals because of it - to make people feel the inverse of how middle school made you feel. So good.
I probably should have just said that. 😅 I'm not saying being miserable in middle school is universal but I'm not *not* saying it, either. It's clarifying for me to think of what the inverse would be, especially as I have kids that age so the reality of it is intensively in front of me.
I call them "greenbelt moments." Sometimes when out walking or bicycling I am feeling down or feeling a little out of sorts with the human race. I'll pass someone who, for no particular reason that I'm aware of, looks at me just long enough to catch my eye and give a brief but warm smile, and says hello. That's all they do. No invite to have a conversation, meet for lunch, or spend forever together in eternal bliss. Just a passing recognition of our shared journey through this life. Just two human beings wishing one another well.
But there is power in that moment. Great power. Some might even call if magic. As if pixie dust just sprinkled from the dark cloud I had placed above my head, the world is suddenly transformed. Those ugly scales loosen and fall from around my heart. My step lightens just a bit. I feel more hopeful. The entire day takes on a new countenance. And all from that one moment of grace, all from that one moment of connection. From someone I may never see again.
I decided a few months ago that the best course of action, at least for myself, is to strive to be the kind of person who extends that moment of grace to others--wherever and whenever I can, whether to a stranger on the greenbelt, a checker at the market, or to friends and loved ones--to be the kind of person who turns someone's day around simply by extending a little kindness, a little recognition of our common humanity, or when circumstances allow by taking a few minutes to listen, to really listen. As if to say, "I see you."
I will fail, and perhaps often. After all I still must fight my own demons, and they sometimes get the best of me. But I just don't know any other way to do this.
________________________________________________
Thank you so much for providing the great resources, Antonia. And thank you for your thoughtfulness and depth of soul. You are a gem. I am grateful to have found you.
"Greenbelt moment" -- such a lovely term for it! I know the kind of moment you're talking about. I've had that happen often, but there was one that has stuck with me: a woman and I passed each other twice in the Detroit airport a few years ago and smiled like we were old friends overjoyed to see each other. The second time we both started laughing. (I hope it was mutual and she didn't think I was just some weirdo, or at least only a harmless weirdo.) We never spoke and of course I never saw her again. But it was exactly what you're talking about here.
Striving to be that person for others is not a bad way to go through life. 🧡 And it really doesn't take much effort on our own parts, just a small internal shift in the way we walk through the world. (Though I have to admit I'm still recovering from my loss of it during Covid. It was hard to maintain when so many in my area fought wearing masks.) While also keeping this in mind and giving ourselves a bit of grace: "After all I still must fight my own demons, and they sometimes get the best of me. But I just don't know any other way to do this."
Those are very kind words of your own! I'm grateful if anything I put on here is of use to people, especially in these pressing matters of justice.
First, may I just say, “bog-standard shame” is a brilliant phrase. 😊 Thanks for raising this question. It gave me a chance to reflect on dear friends who do see the best me, one in particular who moved on to the next world but fiercely saw me as an artist at a time when that meant the world to me. And to consider whether I reflect back the best of my dear ones, and how I can do better.
Lastly, I so appreciate your “land back” resources here, in one place. A rich vein! Just had a conversation about land acknowledgments last night and had an inkling of an insight. Here goes . . . The question, what does a land acknowledgment ask of us?, can lead to a deep introspection and also, creative brainstorming in community with others. Land-back is a no-brainer but not the only action by far. If it’s not currently possible, what about seeking out Native people wherever we are? Asking them what we can do to help their movement. The answers will vary widely, I imagine. I’m curious what others here think about that.
I forgot to say also--thank you again for the podcasts! It was good to connect with both.
Haha, thanks! There are so many different kinds of shame that inflict people from so many different directions. But there does seem to be a commonality to a base-level shame that haunts much of humanity.
I'm so glad you had/have a friend(s) like that. It really struck me when this guy said that, both "Wow, to have someone like that in your life" and who those people might be, and then what kind of person I am myself, to others. It had more impact than he perhaps meant it to, but it feels like passing on that gift as well, to share the thought.
I had a conversation with someone in my town about Land Back the other day, and I came away with the realization that almost no settler-colonial people know anything about sovereignty and treaty obligations and rights, and until we start to remedy that it's hard to even have a conversation. I didn't know much about it myself until a few years ago. But once you really look at treaties, it's impossible to get around Land Back and true sovereignty. Either the U.S. is a country that honors its treaties or it isn't. (I don't put much faith in any government's commitment on this point, but the more people know about it and start advocating for fulfilling treaty obligations, the better chance there is that action happens.) And that's just treaties, not even counting the genocides, thefts, and relocations happened before they were signed, which very often happened under compulsion and threats and in many cases were forged outright.
"No more possible than ownership is a rainbow" is a thought I'll hold on to for awhile.
Maybe that's a little like seeing people in a moment rather than an entirety. The colors stand out.
Now there's a thought. 💖
It's interesting because I feel those who really sees me and see the best and potential of me in a clear objective way are people who I am not close to at all. They are friendly acquaintance (like the ones you just described) or people from work. Perhaps because we don't have personal history neither of us are clouded by expectations of past experiences.
I was thinking about relationships and life partners as I wrote this, which would seem to be where you’d expect to find it but those are the people who also live with our irritating daily habits. With those people, we have to navigate such different selves! Whereas with people we see regularly but whom we’re not as close with on a daily basis, there’s a bit more room to explore one’s self?
You know, I reread "Cat's Cradle" last year and it all went straight out of my head again! "Slaughterhouse 5" stuck better. (I dove in after watching the Vonnegut documentary on Amazon. Haven't read him in . . . 30 years?) I like being reminded of these thoughts and ideas that seem goofy but in fact describe a lot of life, as Vonnegut did so well. And reading that essay made me think immediately of my own kids, and how often in the middle school years we say, "It'll be better in high school. You'll find your people." Your Karass.
You're right, it's a fortunate thing to find one's people, at whatever time of life, and can hope that more of the Karass become those close to us.
This is why long walks are such a balm and boon and gift to ourselves -- I keep coming back to something I've said many times, which is that walking doesn't give an answer, but it is itself an answer.